Now that Big Tobacco has been humbled by its $11.3 billion settlement with the state of Florida, it seems a good time to move on to the Next Big Thing. By that, I mean the next big public health crusade, the next thing everyone used to wrestle with (or perhaps even enjoy) in peace until we decided it was all part of a sinister plot. I propose food.
Not any food, of course. I mean the artery-clogging, waistline-expanding junk food we all love. This is serious business, as grave a threat to the public health as tobacco ever was. According to the American Heart Association, obesity causes more than 300,000 deaths each year from heart attacks and strokes, not to mention innumerable bypass surgeries, liposuctions and joint replacements. This being America, of course, ordering Biggie Fries instead of the salad bar can't possibly be our own fault. It is a sad fact of modern life that although we claim to prize individual choice above all else, nothing bad that happens is ever done of an individual's own free will. And in a nation where people really believe they can lose weight by drinking two diet milkshakes a day, credulousness is not a problem.
The solution? Sue 'em all: Nabisco,McDonald's, Land O' Lakes, Hershey's, Ben & Jerry's, Domino's. The whole bunch. One big national legal jihad against the angioplasty merchants. A Croissan'wich class action. Any hotshot state attorney general with an eye on the governor's mansion would be hard-pressed to pass that up.
If all this sounds a bit preposterous, it only means you have an underdeveloped sense of victimhood. The parallels between Big Tobacco and Big Fat are too striking to be overlooked. Both sell products that are enjoyed by millions but that have barely concealed health risks. Both rely on celebrity endorsements: Once it was Babe Ruth pitching Chesterfields; now it's Shaquille O'Neal pushing Taco Bell. Both have derogatory nicknames: coffin nails and junk food. And as Americans become more health-conscious, both seek to expand overseas markets. Those Golden Arches in Red Square only look innocuous.
In another eerie parallel with cigarettes, makers of junk food often increase levels of artery-clogging fat to further the addiction (witness Double Stuf Oreos), sometimes going so far as to infuse secret additives (perhaps Rep. Henry Waxman [D., Calif.] can find out what exactly is in the Big Mac's special sauce). Despite chocolate's known addictive properties, bakers have conspired for years to break it into small, hard-to-detect pieces called "chips" before hiding it in cookies. And as anyone knows who has ever been unable to resist snarfing a friend's M&Ms, the risk of secondary exposure is undeniable.
Then there is the relentless pandering to children. Junk-food companies, even more so than tobacco companies, rely on colorful cartoon characters to sell their products. Sometimes these characters carry the romantic brand of the outlaw (the Hamburglar) or even respectable authority (Mayor McCheese). Joe Camel has been stuffed and mounted in the den of public opinion; why not turn on the Keebler Elves? Children are further enticed with toys and tie-ins to Disney movies, hooked on habits that will turn their cardiovascular systems to granite in later life. Happy Meals? Kid, how happy do you think you're going to be when you get your cholesterol test back in 40 years?
It's just a matter of time before the Wisconsin Cheese Lords are hauled in by a Senate committee--or before the FDA decides to regulate butter as a drug. Just imagine the grilling some poor Doritos executive will have to endure in the future. Did I say grilling? Try deep-fat frying. Bill Clinton thinks he feels our pain? He is a poster boy for our pain. And surely Al Gore must have lost some relatives to food ills somewhere.
Best of all, though, going to court would relieve us of the imperative to do something ourselves about that spare tire. Litigation satisfies our craving for a public scapegoat and is potentially much more lucrative, besides. The Cinnabon settlement alone ought to be enough for us all to retire on.
It is too hot to exercise. Dieting demands willpower, and why bother if you're just a victim?
Come on, America. Get off that couch and sue.
Mr. Bernstein is a writer in Philadelphia.
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